I have the best bum in Britain

I have the best bum in Britain.

My arse has the perfect weight, the appropriate shape, the optimal tone and carries the evidence of passion (note the scratch marks).

It's usually something seen across pages on Instagram. I thought it was time to pull down the draws and let you in on a closer look. I get complimented a lot. I get called sexy in the street. Sometimes I'll check people looking at my bum as I walk past them. Their eyes are angled on the cheeks.

You can have your cake and eat it too ;)

You can try and avoid it or not, but there’s one thing that’s for certain you use it to sit down and it’s the closest thing to a cushion if you’re parked on an uncomfortable excuse for a seat.

There’s many words used to describe the two bits of wobbly flesh that coat those jeans, bum, butt, ass, arse, cheeks, rear, rump, backside, booty and batty, being the most common. Then there’s the unused synonyms that sit in the dictionary that don’t get a seeing to, like, haunches, hindquarters (only a complete pardon the pun asshole, would use a word like that in company), rusty dusty (I have never heard of that saying in all my years), posterior (better suited to medical tech), bazoo (lol), bippy (lmao!!) caboose (K) and, whaattt, breech (wtf?! :D).

Friends and I once discussed these words and which were their favourite. It was something that we used to do while lying in bed, chilling. We would text each other and the sorts of conversations varied. It was fun, playful and full of gossip. One time, we discussed what our favourite word was to describe ass. The most popular, funnily enough, was the most common in conversation, and that was, bum. My favourite has to be arse. It’s got a punch to is and can be said with conviction and with real passion. If you’re really good, you can take it to the back of your throat (the word, that is) and get some real glutaral annunciation in there.

Reveal

Arse can be used in a different way. It can be used to describe a situation or something unwanted, “you’re a fucking arse, mate.” It can also be used to describe a shit situation, in expressive gesture, “I say, shove it up their fucking arrrsse!” the usual expulsion of anger at receiving piss poor customer service, that which we are all familiar.

I used to go shopping with a mate on Saturday afternoon in city. We would have lunch and then get seen in the shops. One thing he used to say was shape is the first priority when purchasing clothes, shape, colour and then brand. Butts come up curvy on nearly everyone. You would have to be a real ironing board to put on clothes downstairs that don’t show even a little bit of curve.

My bum has been fairly consistent throughout my teenage years and early twenties. It’s been big and bouncy. I’ve put on weight and I’ve lost weight, but the bum has remained consistent. We reveal and we inspect. It’s a bold claim to have the best bum in Britain. I was going to say lad bum, but that would be unnatural. Nobody, not even me, says lad bum. We just say, bum. It requires examination:

Inspection

A – The tatts. You may have seen these lipstick marks higher up on a body. I’ve seen them on the side of people’s necks, both male and female. I have never seen them on butt cheeks. I say them on the lower waist of a handful, but it is here they remain. In the gym, a decade ago, a mate took a closer look. We were in the changing rooms, so it was staring him in the face as we hanged from gym to spa side. He said it looks like someone has worked their way down, beginning with lower back and making their way south to the curvier areas. That was the general idea. One on the wait just didn’t suffice, plus, I was getting my money’s worth.

B – The scratches, an obvious visual indicator of passion. These are more than just scratches, they are claw marks. I’m alright with that. I did not mind the extension of passion be extended to physical and surface injury. It hurt, but it was a bearable and interesting hurt. They remained there, from what I remember, for about three weeks, before disappearing entirely. The picture was taken around 2017.

C – Ahh, yes, the boxers. Whatever comes off first, whether they be jeans, tight shorts, beach articles or fabricated bottoms, the next item must be decent or you run the risk of lowering your aesthetic rank, considerably. Calvin’s are as affordable as they are pretty solid. There have been some decent advertisement campaigns associated with the brand and the products remain a popular go to amongst the in-crowd. They won’t get you too far back in the garment department, either. Then there’s the other brands. I won’t list them, but you know you’re an absolute pauper if you’re caught in Rank, or worse still, ASDA’s own brand boxers.

D – The shape is probably the most critical and comes in first. The shape is everything, whether you’re nude or clothed. It is a health indicator to others that you are physically capable. It’s no good rocking up in the dog, bloody awful Lycra with a sparrow’s ass and expect a compliment. It must scream I can lift, I look after myself, I have a home that is abundant, I can communicate healthily. All this can be decoded in a matter of seconds and can leak those bum cheeks. The more plump, juicier, and curvy, the better! Then, there is the other side, a big, fat, ginormous excuse, that couldn’t even be considered fit to be labelled with the words, bum, butt or ass, and is more accurately denoted by obese person in massive need of lifestyle and dietary advice.

E – Lastly, the skin tone. This isn’t clothing, so it doesn’t run in the one, two, three order of shape, colour and brand, like before. Can a person’s arse be branded? Not exactly, but I did see a male, Spanish, who did have the Prada logo, tattooed onto his back in San Javier in 2011. That makes me smile. He walked, slowly and with pride, as I remember. The tone must be somewhat different from the tone on the other half of the body. We are talking tan lines. There is nothing more horny than a perfectly white and pasty (lmao, I love that word) bum, against the juxtaposition of a dark brown and smooth back. It’s right up there with crème brûlée in the dessert queue.

Another thing that supports the claim of being up there on pedestal one is the clear and evident lack of editing present on the picture. There isn’t even a phone filter applied. It is raw, it is untouched and supports the claim that not even after effects are required when it comes to a butt this juicy. Of course, I don’t sit there and actually think I have the best bum in Britain against lads and lasses, but it does make for a decent headline. We hope to annoy, turn-on and garner a slight irritation amongst readers.

Now, where’s those boxers.