I'm 28 and have never bought condoms

To ignore it is to suppress it. To talk about it is to release. Never turn the cheek when it comes to stuff of instinct. I'm 28-years-old and I've never bought a box of condoms.

The pharmacy section of any supermarket will stock boxes of the latex. I use Tesco everyday, but I very rarely enter the pharmaceutical section, let alone the condom isles. I've used them, although I don't like them very much.

I used to get mine from the sexual health clinic. Clinicians give out white bags. Some were pink. Some were blue. I forget the brand name. There was a myth. If you weren't using Durex, you were a bit of a tramp, a cheapskate.

Not a fan: "despite not ever buying a box, I've had the freebies, but still prefer life without"

So, I must be a tramp. I've only ever walked out with freebies. I used to throw them into a bigger bag and chuck them on the floor of the car.

They would end up in the apartment. There was a white bowl, which went ontop of a mannequin in the bedroom. I would empty the bag into the bowel. It sat ontop of a ceramic bum. It was the sort of merchandising device you'd see in a shop selling male underwear. It was badass. It used to be a talking point when friends came over, not so much lovers.

My male friends reacted with shock. Girls found it amusing. It was better than keeping them in a bedside draw. I was proud of my collection and intended to show it off, oozing with non verbal confidence.

I very rarely talk about sex. I don't kiss and tell. I certainly don't make long conversation about anything related, so for me to apply it to the written word, is a bold move. But, come to think of it, there need not be anything bold about it. What is more open than shelves in Tesco.

My bedroom is condom free, right now. It is mannequin free, also. But there is a bowl. The only thing that goes into it is cereal. There's something I dislike about putting rubbery material around a hard willy. If I can avoid it, I do. It's awkward. It doesn't feel comfortable and it looks stupid. But, it is safe.

"Condoms are up to 98% effective at preventing pregnancy if you use them correctly every time you have sex," according to the NHS.

"If not used correctly they're 82% effective, which means around 1 in 5 women who use condoms for a year will get pregnant. Incorrect use includes: putting a condom on after the penis has touched the vagina."

A waiting room at an NHS sexual health clinic, Wolverhampton

There is a big part of me that is grossed out by condoms. There is another part of me that accepts it as a part of life. Go for the ones on the shelf, in my opinion. If you’re going for it, it wants to scream abundance. The brands on the shelf do. I’m talking Durex, which once purchased, usually end up on the chest-of-draws with six or seven bottles of aftershave located close by.

There have been a variety over the years. I recall flavours. There was cherry, bubblegum, coconut, apple, strawberry and banana. There were textures, too. There was the cheapskate smooth, then the ribbed. There were little humps on the latex, which promised to add to the sensation.

I grew up in a family who had a healthy and open attitude to life and all its offerings. We were hosting a Christmas do, one year. Nan and Grandad were staying in the front bedroom in the superking. Ma had bought a bell, which had, “ring for sex” printed on it. They were in their seventies. Nan found it hilarious. Grandad accepted it with a smile, but found it far too immature to gauge an actual laugh and far too headstrong to give a fake laugh.

I’ve had partners who are already on contraception, thus, I never needed to exert other than between the sheets. This is handy, as the onus is on the female to take precaution. There remains responsibility on my behalf, of course, but there’s a lot less of it. The job can be done with more focus on pleasuring my other half, than on preparation.

A collection of condoms and their packaging

I remember during sex education, years ago, we were asked to come up with slogans for fictitious brands. We devised a cool catch-phrase. It was "don’t be silly, wrap up your willy."

In 2022, “there were 2,195,909 sexual health screens (diagnostic tests for chlamydia, gonorrhoea, syphilis or HIV),” according to the UK government.

“This is an increase of 13.4% compared to 2021 (1,936,455) in 2022 there were 392,453 diagnoses of new STIs among England residents, an increase of 23.8% compared to 2021 (317,022).”

A particularly hilarious promise on the front of Trojan condoms

I did catch an STI once. I caught gonorrhoea of the mouth. There was a plumber over our house at the time, and I was explaining to him what happened. We were pissing ourselves, laughing. He said, it was rank, beneath giggles. I agreed.

My throat was sore for a week and that really was it. I received treatment, and it got better. I have never had an infection since. I am super clean. It wasn’t very pleasant.

I think it’s always better to keep safe and to use preventative measures, like visiting the family planning clinic, the GP surgery or the sexual health centre.

But, I think it far better to take the other half out onto the patio, light plenty of candles, put on some soft music and enjoy long conversation and cuddles under the stars into the early hours of the morning over drink. Then to take the hugs to the bedroom and fall asleep in relaxation.

I enjoy the bouncing, not so much the wrapping, but I end up soaking wet, as do the sheets. You have to jump in the shower, the hair needs blowdrying, and it's easier and just a little nicer to enjoy cuddles and kisses, without the slamming.