Avoid caffs to save mad

Nobody loves a café more than me. When working for the Mirror Group Newspapers in the regions, I would go to about four cafés, every day.

I don’t go to any cafés, now. I have saved so much money, it is unreal.

My chosen drink was a hazelnut cappuccino, coming in at £4.30. Four of these a day set me back, £17.20. That’s £120.40 a week. Take that away from your monthly salary, and you are set back £521.73 a month. On an average mortgage of a grand, that’s more than half your bill.

Brad outside Costa fanning the cash

I went into Tesco one afternoon and brought myself a flask. It was a nice flask made of stainless steel. It cost me £20.00. A mate of mine, commented, “they’ve had your pants down.” Nobody has my pants down. I went to the tea and coffee isle and studied the products. Which was I to choose from to accompany my purchase?

Michael was a neighbour of ours at university. We met during third year. He was such a fan of tea, he went to the 24-hour supermarket and bought every single Twining’s tea there was on the shelf. He used to offer them round to us. There were four of us in the one block. I took a liking to the Lapsang Souchong Smokey China Tea.

Costa Coffee during the evening, Sutton, Surrey

I bought myself a box, a carton of milk and a bag of sugar, following the memory.

This was going to be the café replacement. Instead of the sofa and the paper, the flask would follow me into the woods and to the lakes, where I would sit and enjoy a smoke, drinking cup after cup of the steamy tea.

A busy table inside a branch of Costa Coffee

£232m was the recorded profit Costa took in 2022, a 21% yearly growth in sales. Despite increased turnover, I dropped out, as a customer. The love affair came to an end.

My personal growth has soared as a result. I am glad Costa are doing well, I really am. But, why would a conglomerate, such as them, give a fuck about losing a customer like me? They don’t, but should they? Not with such optimistic statistics, no. It would be worrying if a few like me dropped out.

The chain has 2,700 stores in the UK and 1,400 outlets, internationally.

They trade in Pakistan, Morocco, Oman, since 2019. Stores are active across Japan, Azerbaijan and Austria, since 2023.

44 million cups of coffee are sold each week, according to their website. That’s a lot of caffeine bashers.

A plane made of chocolate sprinkles on Costa's Cappuccino Grandé

The chosen drink was a medium hazelnut cappuccino and a heated chocolate twist. It had to see at least five minutes in the oven or else it wouldn’t be the same. Nobody ever moaned. This would require a least a brown note. We like purple notes when earning, browns good, greens, fine. Spending is another matter. I still deal in cash. I urge you to do the same. Contactless can mislead.

One time on the weekend, the family went in, setting us back like twenty-five quid. We bought cakes, coffees, paninis and we’d sit down in the coffee house and eat. I never paid, and I wouldn’t really have wanted to at that price. But I did eat, a lot.

It’s nice in there, but I would never have chosen Costa to take the family. The bill does stack up.

The old saying ‘Costa-fortune’ used to circulate our home, uncle was in awe of the business. He would moan about the price, but would still pay it, making him the ultimate Costa customer. Despite criticising the structure, you still paid, sat down and are still talking about it days later. That’s word-of-mouth publicity at its finest.

There are more than 14,000 Costa Express stores in the country, their operating base, Bedfordshire.

Costa ranks fourth in the most popular 2024 dining brands, according to a YouGov poll. Greggs ranks number one, JD Wetherspoons number 2 and Burger King number 3.

Café Nero, ranks a shocking 14 and Starbucks 18 – 5 behind Harvester.

I would like to say my money being saved from café adoivance is growing, but it’s being spent on food and transactions overseas, like renting quad bikes.

More than £7,000 has been saved over four years, £1,700 a year on coffee, alone.

Café Nero reported sales of £150 million in 2022. This is a 9.5% increase from December 2021.

A Costa drive thru on a summer day in Birmingham

Gerry Ford, CEO of Café Nero, said: “We’ve seen a very encouraging first half of our financial year.

"Despite significant inflationary pressures which have continued to month since June, we have demonstrated strong cost control and delivered solid sales growth.”

This is the statement any CEO wants out there. A consumer like myself can either ditch the stuff altogether, something I don’t recommend, or replace.

Replacement works so much better. I buy St. Ockwell from the twenty-four-hour. Stockwell Coffee (hehe) costs 90p and tastes good. Sometimes, I don’t even have it with milk, tight cunt I am. I run out of milk, and can’t be arsed to keep walking to the shop. Nanny Chris used to freeze bottles, so she never ran out, but I don’t have the freezer space.

I like my coffee with milk, two sugars or one, usually with white rum or Tia Maria. I’m usually just drinking it without the liquor these days. That's after dinner on Sundays in restuarants in the country.

The flask never sees coffee. There’s something about the granules, its taste and its scent that puts me off putting it inside the metallic holder. I only use the flask for tea. I would ride to the lake and drink it there with roll-ups. I haven’t done this for a while.

“Cycle to the lake at midnight underneath a clear sky and just admire the still water,” suggested a mate of mine.

I haven’t seen him for a while, but I recall the coolest conversation under the stars with this fella on a bridge not far from the local shops, where the suggestion was passed.

I never did cycle to the lake at midnight, I would have been creeped out, but I did cycle to it during the day and sat in the woods.

It’s nice to see money being better spent. A long pastime it was to sit in cafés during periods of boredom. I don’t do this anymore and have saved significantly. The boredom is intense, but how much did Costa alleviate the boredom? After the cappuccino was consumed, smokes on the veranda enjoyed, I would be bored again, so it is a little nicer to be bored and see the money stack up, or should I say, reduce, less. Seeing the reduction of your spending is always nice.

What the fucking hell am I to do about the boredom, though? That’s another story. Right, now I’m in the mood for a hot mug of the stuff, before my arms drop off from writing sat at an angle on the bed.